Udderly Awkward Pumping at Work

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I know what you’re thinking, being a mom is super relaxing and glamorous… Yeah… everyone knows that having a baby means you have zero time for yourself, sleeping, your partner, cleaning your house, grocery shopping… showering, brushing your hair, etc. (Deodorant, yoga pants, and baby powder erryday).

One of the many fun things I do get to do several times a day is pump. Joy. Sitting there mostly naked, hooked up to an udder-milker, freezing cold (‘cause you know, nekkid / winter), lulled by the dulcet tones of the fingernails on chalkboard screech of REEEEEHrewwwwww REEEEEEHreeewwwwww…. For 20-30 minutes. Every 4-6 hours.

My son takes too long to nurse so in the middle of the night and in the morning before we rush off to work, he gets bottled of pumped milk (and milk is sent with him to daycare). Ok, great, that means you get to sleep longer, right? NO. It means that I am waking up in the middle of the night to feed my baby a bottle, get him back to sleep, and then I get to go and pump for 25 minutes or so, store the milk, and somehow fall back asleep. Lather, rinse, repeat. And then in the morning I get to wake up 30 min early to pump. Because drippage.

Who knew that washable nipple pads would be such a crucial part of the first year of my child’s life? ‘Cause what’s more awkward for strangers than seeing wet breast milk marks seeping through your clothes. Good times.

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The winner for most awkward pumping, though, by far is pumping at work. LET ME PAINT YOU A PICTURE. I work in an office of desks and cubes. Mostly men. Two or three times a day, I sequester myself in the conference room, the only separated off room in our office with walls, a door, and a lock. We put in blinds while I was pregnant and someone asked me why. I think I eloquently replied, “cuz, um, well, I’m preggers, and when I get back, I’ll need space to, you know, cuz I’ll be nursing, so I’ll need to pump.”

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So I go in there, lower the blinds, get nekkid, and pump. DUDE.  I AM TOPLESS AT WORK. On the computer, typing, super slowly and awkwardly, arms out in bicycle position to not knock it out of place, while wondering if it’s true that the government can log in to anyone’s computer camera at any time, and wondering if someone is watching me pump daily… IT COULD HAPPEN!  Then storing the pumped human juice in the communal fridge.  ‘Oh hello, no, that is just juice squeezed from a person, don’t mind that …  ‘

Ah, ladylike modesty…

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A near second place is pumping in the car. This is a time saver, especially since I live about 45 minutes from work and some days, those extra 30 min of pumping while traveling is crucial after a multiple-wake-ups night. Ok, so I wear my hands free pump bra, which looks like a bandeau top with hole for your nips to poke through, hook up the pump, and drape a scarf around my neck and front so passers by aren’t blinded…

If a cop pulls me over, I will literally cry and then be like, yeah? What?

Worth it? Definitely. Glamorous, it is not. Trying to do this ’til my son is 1 year. Five months to go. Encouragement accepted.

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My Laptop is Mocking Me

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Hi, all.  Lauren here.  Yesterday I had one of those WHY WON’T YOU JUST WORK moments with my laptop.  For those of you know me, I am extremely attached to my laptop and phone.  My job requires me to sit at my laptop all day long.

I was scheduled for a meeting and call with a client and coworker at 2pm.  I noticed around 1:50pm that my computer was getting pretty slow, so I restarted it so it would be ALL SHINY AND NEW AND FAST for my meeting in a few minutes.

And do you know what I did?  It imploded.  It laughed and me and said, “Oh, you need to do something online in a few minutes? Here let me completely reboot and reinstall your operating system.  It should only take 24 minutes.” (WHICH WAS A LIE, IT TOOK 52!)

I was furious. I was embarrassed.  I was confused – why have you forsaken me?

Technology.  Awesome when it works.  Slamming productivity to a whiplash-inducing halt when it doesn’t.

I was so annoyed / irate that I was sweating and turning red (the caffeinated tea I had with lunch did not help).

I tried to take deep calming breaths and remember that I had no control over the situation and could do nothing but wait.  And Skype my coworker from my phone to help answer her questions while she met with our client on her own.

I HATE FEELING / APPEARING INCOMPETENT.  This laptop is on thin ice.  I am ready to go Office-Space on it.

Soon.

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Thanksgiving Family Time – Preparation!

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So that was a long hiatus.  Sorry about that.  Katie picked up and moved to the South, and I am just plugging along.

Since we’ve been gone, some things have been happening in this crazy world.

But instead of waxing philosophic about that, how’s about some hilarity?

Thanksgiving is coming, and we all know what that means….  get out yo fat pants, time for some FEASTING!

Thanksgiving jokes? Why yes please!

Animals dressed up for the occasion?  Oh hell yes! (those feet!!)

 

Why can’t Christmas wait its turn?  Because the mall hates turkeys, that’s why.  And also, consumerism, and all that.

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Thanksgiving turns into “how many houses can we go to in 1 day, how much food can we shove into our faces, what clothes will survive this test?”

I already had two extended families who require my presence, and then I went and got married.  So now I have three Thanksgivings to figure out.  Oh, and my mom likes to do a small “just us” Thanksgiving the night before.  As a preview.  For the exact same thing.  The next day.  Turkey coma.

Standard Thanksgiving cuisine:  Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, pumpkin pie.  Anything else is just extra, filling, unnecessary. Stuffing from a box?  No.  Make that shit.  With real bread.  And some sausage and maybe oysters…

Family coming in from out of town, people being hungover from being out the night before (or in my cousins’ case, never having gone to bed and still drunk from the nigh before), filing into the too-close seats on the loooong table, casually switching name cards to sit next to the cousin you want to sit next to / avoiding that one relative that just …  you know….

Last year was my now-husband’s first Thanksgiving with my dad’s extended family and he was….  overwhelmed.  The amount of yelling, stories, drinking, hilarity, accents…  just The Davis Way, in general….  He has now recovered…  just in time!!!  Mwahahahaa!

This year, we have been lucky enough to get the family together a few extra times, between my wedding and my brother’s wedding, so I am thrilled to see everyone again in a week, but I also need to start prepping now for the hilarity and such.  We will miss my brother and sister-in-law this year, but the volume may be down a bit…  🙂

 

Sanctimommies and Entitled Parents

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I don’t have kids. Which, I know, means I’m not allowed to have an opinion…. Yet.

So I’m not even going to say anything. I am just going to share two hilarious links. Do with them as you will.

Happy Thursday.

  1. The most obnoxious moms with social media accounts.
  2. This school’s answering machine is not quite what you’d expect.

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Reading Aloud To Kids

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As you know, I feel very strongly about reading. This is most likely because my parents made reading part of my life, part of my routine, part of their expectation for me, and part of our shared relationships.

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They gave me age appropriate, exciting, adventurous, fun books. Most of the time. My dad snuck in some way-out-of-my-league books (which I have since reread and been like, oooohhhh, that’s what that was about), and my mother (an English teacher) snuck in some educational snore-fests.

Recently married, contemplating kids, timing, values, etc., one thing I know – reading will be a huge part of my children’s lives and a huge part of our relationships.

Reading to children, encouraging them to be excited to read on their own, reading the same books and then discussing (and by discussing I mean nerding out at the dinner table while everyone else rolls their eyes)…. This is what I want!

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So, I have started compiling a list of books to be sure to read to my kids. Many of these are the very same books my parents read to me, because (shocker), I know about them, love them, and want to share them with my kids. But I am also looking for some good, more recent additions to the child-appropriate literary world to add to my never-too-early GoodReads list of books to read to my kids.

Here’s what I have so far:

  • The Hobbit and the LOTR trilogy (obviously)
  • Harry Potter (duh)
  • Ender’s Game (again, duh…)
  • Narnia
  • His Dark Materials series
  • Lots of Roald Dahl
  • Where the Sidewalk Ends, Shel Silverstein
  • The Neverending Story
  • The Princess Bride
  • The Phantom Tollbooth
  • A Wrinkle In Time
  • The Giver

So, please SEND ME SOME SUGGESTIONS!

Happy reading!

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Sharing Funnies From Pinterest, Pt. 2

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Today is a DGAF day, so I am sharing some funny things from our shared Pinterest Board for your amusement.  Don’t judge us harshly.

First of all – these are hilarious.

Also, these make me giggle.

WTH!!!  Horse Conch ( Triplofusus giganteus ) — eating a Lightning Whelk ( Busycon perversum ) which is a very large predatory sea snail
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This is Katie.  She hates road bikes.  “Use the sidewalk.”  And to her I say PPSSHHHH.  ROAD BIKES!!!!  Share the freakin road!
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This is dorbs.
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Why Can’t I Share My Kindle Books?

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Ok today’s topic, nay rant, is about Kindle book “sharing”. I use quotation marks because Kindle is all like, oh yeah, you can totally share books you purchase from us. And then they have that shady fast-talker come on with a ** side note about only being able to share about 30% of all Kindle books, for only 2 weeks at a time, and each Kindle book can only be shared once.

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Ok. There are so many things wrong with this. I am a big reader. I have bookshelves and boxes of books. Just ask my family, who have helped me move said boxes into a myriad of apartments and townhouses over the years. I have a Kindle. I love my Kindle. But if someone is offering a hard copy book, lending to me, throwing books away, I am happy to nab them. Hence = book hoarder.

I love the Kindle in concept and in action, but their sharing has got to be updated. In real life, we pass books on to friends. We give them, lend them, etc. For as long as we want. To as many people as we can before the well-loved spines break and we cry over the loss of an old friend. I digress.

I should be able to lend out any Kindle book, not just the 30% they deem old or classic, and therefore no longer receiving royalties or something. They don’t receive royalties for all the people I lend books to, either. So suck it. And let me distribute books I PAID FOR however I want.imagesthe-kindle

The end.