YOU GUYS. I REALLY MESSED UP LAST NIGHT. But first, let me fill you in. For the last, say, five years, I have had really terrible insomnia. Incredibly bad. I cannot even begin to tell you how difficult it has been to function for the last few years on the little sleep that I have gotten. It has been so bad at times that there have been days where I have slept very little. I am talking maybe an hour or two a night. It is grueling. There is no other way to describe it. To work full time, be a mom, wife, and all the other roles I have crammed in there when I feel like the best I can do is manage to put pants on each day, it is hard.
I have spent years now trying to fix this issue. I have tried acupuncture, meditation, relaxation techniques, reading, writing, OMG EVERYTHING. I don’t use medication to force myself to sleep. That is a no go.
Fast forward to the last year or so. It has been moderately better. The typical pattern is I fall asleep early but then have middle of the night insomnia where I am awake from around 12-5. And you guessed it – I usually am tired enough that I can fall asleep for about 20 minutes before my alarm goes off. UM THIS IS FRUSTRATING. It has gotten better and now, if I wake up I can usually get back to sleep in about an hour. This takes incredible practice as I have to lay very still and cannot move much or open my eyes or else I completely wake up.
Which brings me to last night. It was cold. We had to go to cub scouts and we have it outside. And I was freezing. So you know what I did? I MADE US COFFEE. At 6pm. What was I thinking? WHAT? I’ll tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking how mad at myself I was ALL NIGHT WHILE I LAY THERE STARING AT THE CEILING while the huz dozed happily next to me. Not my finest moment.
So today, the struggle ensues. I work in a very weird environment that consists of utter silence. Look, I realize right this very moment you are like, whatever, Katie. It cannot be that quiet. DUDE. I KID YE NOT. I sit in a room with, hang on. Let me count… 21 people. I sit with that many people and I can hear the person across the room typing. It is like I am sitting in a vacuum. Truly bizarre. The weird thing is that no one talks to each other. So, as an extrovert…sitting by myself all day…in silence…is very difficult. Let’s just say it stretches my rubber bands. They are quite taut at this point.
My office has a few, shall I say, quirks. And one of them is that in addition to the silence, there is NO TALKING. There are cliques, of course, but mostly no one interacts with each other. In fact, the training method of the job is to “go on the server” and “read the guides.” So literally no one teaches you how to do your job. You have to read about it. Oh, you need help? GO TO THE GUIDES. Oh, you don’t understand? DID YOU READ THE GUIDES? WEIRD, RIGHT? Well, there is also a rather large group of very, very mean people. Which is kind of shocking. And it still catches me off guard. Alarmingly so, each day.
And she was like, “I don’t know. I don’t know what his schedule is. I know he starts at 8:30 but other than that….It isn’t my job to keep track of him. I was like, oh ok. In my head I was like, BITCH YOU SIT 3 FEET AWAY FROM HIM DO YOU NOT TALK? ALSO WHY ARE YOU SO AWFUL????????
Pray for me today. As it will be a great challenge to persevere through this exhaustion. The struggle is real.