Big Mistake

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YOU GUYS. I REALLY MESSED UP LAST NIGHT. But first, let me fill you in. For the last, say, five years, I have had really terrible insomnia. Incredibly bad. I cannot even begin to tell you how difficult it has been to function for the last few years on the little sleep that I have gotten. It has been so bad at times that there have been days where I have slept very little. I am talking maybe an hour or two a night. It is grueling. There is no other way to describe it. To work full time, be a mom, wife, and all the other roles I have crammed in there when I feel like the best I can do is manage to put pants on each day, it is hard.

Image result for insomnia memes

Image result for insomnia memes

I have spent years now trying to fix this issue. I have tried acupuncture, meditation, relaxation techniques, reading, writing, OMG EVERYTHING. I don’t use medication to force myself to sleep. That is a no go.

Image result for insomnia memes

 

Image result for insomnia memes

Fast forward to the last year or so. It has been moderately better. The typical pattern is I fall asleep early but then have middle of the night insomnia where I am awake from around 12-5. And you guessed it – I usually am tired enough that I can fall asleep for about 20 minutes before my alarm goes off. UM THIS IS FRUSTRATING. It has gotten better and now, if I wake up I can usually get back to sleep in about an hour. This takes incredible practice as I have to lay very still and cannot move much or open my eyes or else I completely wake up.

Which brings me to last night. It was cold. We had to go to cub scouts and we have it outside. And I was freezing. So you know what I did? I MADE US COFFEE. At 6pm. What was I thinking? WHAT? I’ll tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking how mad at myself I was ALL NIGHT WHILE I LAY THERE STARING AT THE CEILING while the huz dozed happily next to me. Not my finest moment.

So today, the struggle ensues. I work in a very weird environment that consists of utter silence. Look, I realize right this very moment you are like, whatever, Katie. It cannot be that quiet. DUDE. I KID YE NOT. I sit in a room with, hang on. Let me count… 21 people. I sit with that many people and I can hear the person across the room typing. It is like I am sitting in a vacuum. Truly bizarre. The weird thing is that no one talks to each other. So, as an extrovert…sitting by myself all day…in silence…is very difficult. Let’s just say it stretches my rubber bands. They are quite taut at this point.

Image result for silence meme

Image result for silence meme

My office has a few, shall I say, quirks. And one of them is that in addition to the silence, there is NO TALKING. There are cliques, of course, but mostly no one interacts with each other. In fact, the training method of the job is to “go on the server” and “read the guides.” So literally no one teaches you how to do your job. You have to read about it. Oh, you need help? GO TO THE GUIDES. Oh, you don’t understand? DID YOU READ THE GUIDES? WEIRD, RIGHT? Well, there is also a rather large group of very, very mean people. Which is kind of shocking. And it still catches me off guard. Alarmingly so, each day.

EXAMPLE:

This morning I needed to ask someone a question so I walked across the hall and he shares an office with someone who is HORRIBLE and in no way am I exaggerating. Like no redeemable qualities. She is very hard to work with and everyone is like, oh she is just difficult, and I am like, wait no that is unacceptable. So he wasn’t at his desk and I never know wtf is going on with people (see above comment: NO ONE TALKS TO YOU) and I was like, “excuse me”,  and she doesn’t even turn around and is like, WHAT? I was like, oh hey good morning, do you happen to know if XXX is in today?
Internal convo:
1. you share an effing office
2. it isn’t hard to not be such a bitch

And she was like, “I don’t know. I don’t know what his schedule is. I know he starts at 8:30 but other than that….It isn’t my job to keep track of him. I was like, oh ok. In my head I was like, BITCH YOU SIT 3 FEET AWAY FROM HIM DO YOU NOT TALK? ALSO WHY ARE YOU SO AWFUL????????

I am going to date myself for a minute here, but does anyone remember The Point of No Return with Bridget Fonda? Based on Le Femme Nikita? Anyone? Well, she was a druggie who was saved by a government agency and groomed to become an assassin. There is a part in the movie where she has etiquette training and it is such a great scene with Anne Bancroft where she says to say something off hand, and it doesn’t have to fit the situation. She says to say, “I never did mind about the little things.” LITERALLY ME EVERY DAY. Please watch it and you will see what it is like for me errrrrrryday. I politely smiled, thanked her and went back to my area. But I wanted to throat punch her. I just wanted to be like you horrible, mean little person go back from whence you came and keep protecting that bridge, you troll.
Look. Life is hard enough. It isn’t difficult to be nice to someone. It takes the same amount of time. HOW DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS SURVIVE??!!!

Pray for me today. As it will  be a great challenge to persevere through this exhaustion. The struggle is real.

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