The Stuffs of Nightmares


For a few years now my son has been begging us for a pet. We used to have two cats but they are now in heaven and he misses them terribly. When the cats died, I missed them very much but also I felt free. Totally free. Our cats were about 100 years old and we had had them since 1996. I mean, I loved every thing about them, but I no longer had to deal with the ins and outs of daily pet care. Which was great. Having a husband and a kid was enough for me. When I was pregnant, I took all of my house plants except 2 and dumped them out into the yard. It was just one more thing I had to take care of and I had my hands full.

Fast forward to about three years ago. Both cats had died. Our boy desperately wanted a dog. Guys – I don’t have any other way to tell you this…I don’t like dogs. I mean, sure, there are a few that I think are cute. In pictures. Far away from me. I love Lauren’s dog (honestly, she is the only one). But other than that, NOPE NOPE NOPE. So to have a kid that will tell every person walking a dog, “Hey, I like your dog,” and with tears in his eyes beg you for a pup – let’s just say it makes it hard to say no. But don’t worry. We persevered. Husband and I are a united front. And, factor in that we wanted to sell our house and that does not make it an ideal time to get a pet….you get one really sad little boy.

Well, we are now all settled in and he keeps asking for a kitty. Who he has already named….

Flashback to vacation….The husband took him to one of those kitschy, shitty tourist trap stores where they sell all the things and there they had hermit crabs. He, of course, wanted one immediately. We had to shut that down. First of all, no. Secondly, we were flying home and it was just not going to happen. The boy has a steel trap for a mind and never forgets ANYTHING. Seriously. He remembers things from when he was very young – so young that it is kind of freaky. So, until this past weekend, I successfully had delayed the pet talk. Now that we are settled, he was like, great – pet time! I was like, whoa whoa whoa. So, he asked if he could at least get a hermit crab. I reluctantly agreed. I read up a little on the little critters and we went off to the pet store. Guess who was not prepared for this? ME.

We purchased their little house and accouterments and two hermit crabs so they would keep each other company. They have been aptly named Hermie and Scorpio. And they are DISGUSTING. I hate them. They completely FREAK me out with their weird spindly little legs that fold up and they poke around. They shuffle around in their cage. And, my son is completely smitten. HE LOVES THEM. He loves to hold them. He loves taking care of them. On the ride home from the pet store he lovingly held them in his cute little baby hands and proudly stated that this was the best day of his entire life.

Each night while I read him books before bed, he holds them. I am 100% totally freaked out. They give me the willies. Creepy crawlies. My son laughs and laughs all while they hobble up and down his arms and hands. I can’t take it. Last night, I stood at the foot of his bed and read to him. Do these things hop? I bet they do. Husband thinks this is hilarious. That is until he comes home in a week and I make him take care of them with their weird little hermit crab pooper scooper. Fun fact – hermit crabs apparently poop. A lot. I did not know this. Now, I have scoop hermit crab poop and try not to scream in terror the entire time. And then I disinfect my entire house and child and take a Silkwood shower.

Image result for hermit crab

*insert me screaming as I put up this picture*

*What is going to happen to me if I get too close to them*

In other news…

Lauren got a new whip. This is her driving around town now:

I started watching Sense 8. Anyone else in on this? Discuss, please.


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