Beach First World Problems

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Because I cannot afford to go to the beach this summer, I am writing today about all the horrible things about being at the beach, to make myself feel better. Sure, you get to listen to the relaxing sounds of the waves, read your book, and not be at work… but…

  1. Beach bodies  –  None of us has the one we want, but when at the beach, we have to view everyone else’s poor body decisions – whether it’s their size or the skimpiness of the suit.

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  1. Sunburn  –  OMG, PEOPLE, USE SUNSCREEN!! Didn’t you listen to Baz Lurhmann? The pales get bright red and sunburned. Peeling. Blisters. OUCH!!! And there are the people who get super tan, and then look so leathery you could turn them into a couch (it puts the lotion on the skin…)

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  1. Sand gets everywhere  –  Some sand is easy to rub off. But super fine sand never leaves…. Especially if you’re wearing sunscreen. It sticks to you like an exfoliating paste, burning your already sunburned skin to a fiery haze! And then when you shower, no matter how much soap, the sand and the sunscreen, stays and gets everwhere, in your sheets, on your couch. Everywhere.

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  1. Hot  –  I know what you’re thinking. It’s summer. It’s supposed to be hot. You complain about cold all winter and then about heat all summer. No, I like heat and I like the summer. But sometimes on the beach, when there is no AC (obviously), the sun beating down, blistering your skin, blinding your eyes, sweat dripping down every curve of your body, dehydrating you by the second, I just think, would a little wind kill ya? YES, YES IT WOULD. Wind on the beach equals a giant sandstorm stinging your skin, blinding your eyes, getting in your mouth, in your hair… oh in your hair!!!   You cannot win.

  1. Over Crowded  –  SOOOOOOOO many people on the beach, it’s like maneuvering around a minefield of kids digging holes, runners/walkers, burning hot sand, dodging umbrella sprockets blinding you at every turn. It is NOT relaxing to be on the beach with 400,000 other people! Kids screaming, kicking up sand as they run by and STEP ON YOUR CLEAN TOWEL! I need a bubble!!!

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  1. People pee in the ocean  –  I’m not saying that I haven’t done it, it is convenient. But when you think about it, you’re swimming in a giant toilet bowl. It gets in your mouth. It gets everywhere. Best not to think about it.
  1. Sunscreen  –  Now, I am really good about wearing sunscreen. Like every hour. But I am also a sweaty beast. Which means it drips off me. Drips into my eyes. Spray sunscreen is ok, if you don’t’ mind losing ¾ of it in the wind, and it rubbing off it you touch it, but it’s great for sandy spots, feet, hard to reach spots.   Not that I have kids, but I hear trying to put sunscreen on  a kid is like wrestling a slippery cat. And takes forever. And you have to reapply every hour or so. Especially if they’re in and out of the water. HA! Have fun, parents.

So, to all of you who get to enjoy restful, beach vacations this summer, I am green eyed. But I shall sit in my sand-free AC, and do my best not to hate you.

HAPPY SUMMER!

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