Let the festivities begin!

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Well hello there! Hope you had a super duper weekend. This weekend marked the first of many, many celebrations for our dear Lauren and her betrothed. It was their engagement party! Woo! And what a lovely party it was. The weather was crisp and perfect for an outdoor shindig. The lovely evening was accompanied by family, friends, good food and terrific beverages.

Everyone was gussied up and looking fab. And, of course, brings me to today’s topic, “Having to look nice at a function.” Guys, Lauren is going to probably lie again and tell you that I am ‘put together.’ DIRTY LIE. I most certainly am not. And, if you see me and you think I look ok – MUCH has gone into it. Which leads me to my little story of what it takes for me to look appropriate. Mind you, Lauren is a part of an enormous family and every single person in said family is attractive. It is both wonderful and very, very annoying/intimidating. Lauren and her sister are like twin mermaids with gorgeous hair. RIDICULOUS. So, in an effort to try to not look like the fat, old hag that I am, here we go.

First of all, I thought you were supposed to figure things out when you got older. If this is the case, should I have not already mastered the ‘shaving cream to leg’ ratio? Too much. Too little. I can never figure it out. Will I ever? When will my legs stop bleeding like I have used a rusty, old nail to rid myself of hair?!

I like makeup. I like it a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I single handedly keep the MAC store in business. Until, of course, I walk into the store and see 5,000 people waiting in line while krumping (OMG did I really just say krumping? Is that still a thing?) to the DJ in the corner. I like to say that I wear enough makeup to be a Geisha or mistaken for a transvestite. I wish I was that talented with makeup. But alas, I am not. And Geisha, maybe only with the amount of makeup actually used. I’m pretty sure people wouldn’t use the word demure to describe me.

Those of you with long hair, please bestow the trick you use to not melt while you are drying your hair! HELP ME. While trying to not to smudge my face or break a sweat, I had fans blowing on me. I looked like the Memorex guy.

Walking around trying not to move, sweat, smudge, get a run, etc., is an art form. Or an athletic event. It is hard, you guys. Really hard. The struggle is too real. And when I see people who look so effortless, I want to pull them aside and beg for them to let me in on the secret. One day I would love to get dressed up for something and NOT have to drive with my arms in the air and the AC on full blast (even in the dead of winter).

But, in the end, I am sure I looked just fine. I’m really hard on myself and can never really tell. I sort of just hope for the best. The evening was fun. The food was delish. Lauren and G looked so happy and PEOPLE LOOKED AT LAUREN AND SHE LIVED. I think this is  a miracle in itself. So, here’s to many more fun wedding events to celebrate them. And to those readers that I met last night – very, very surreal to me. I often think the “people” that read this blog is really just my mom. And Lauren’s mom. So, to know that other people have seen it, it both exciting and terrifying. Especially since I am forever awkward and since I can’t see you while I’m writing this, I just kind of let it all hang out. So thanks. And, probably, sorry.

Finally, as you know I am a devoted wife and have learned many things in the years we have been married. Many of those things are that I am not submissive, I am loud, opinionated and well, the list can go on. So, since Lauren is the “modern bride,” I thought I would share this wonderful list that was given to me prior to my wedding. Enjoy.

The Good Wife’s Guide

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal — on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some Don’ts: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Lauren here – sorry George, not gonna happen, babe.  Your welcome home will be, “Can you take the dog out?  I’ll open some wine.  What’s on TV tonight?”

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