Operation: Wedding Dress – Lauren


Ok, so I went wedding dress shopping with my mother and my 16yr old sister, Emma, on Saturday. Those of you who have ever shopped with me, much less dress shopped, know that it can be…   a challenge. I am not exactly…. good at shopping. As in, I get grumpy and frustrated QUICKLY. Nothing seems to fit me correctly. They oftentimes don’t have my size. ETC. When I am with people who I am less comfortable with, I try to keep it in, but they can see it in my eyes, rising panic and ire. The suggestion of a Starbucks run, decaf coffee and chocolate chip cookie, really helps me get through the attack of fury and then we can continue. 


So, wedding dress shopping. A tad different.

First of all, wedding dresses are gorgeous and make you look beautiful. However, other issues came up. 

Many dresses have an abundance of puff, fluff, and poof, Cinderella style. And they say, oh we can totally remove some of the crinoline (I learned a new word!), but I’m thinking then the dress will look deflated and sad…. It’s meant to be A-PUFF!

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Heavy = sweaty…

Some of these dresses are heeeeeeavy, like many layers, thick fabrics that don’t “breathe”… and the more you put them on and take them off, the more you sweat. But when searching for the perfect dress, at least you do get to take them off after a few minutes! I could not IMAGINE being entrapped in some of those heat/death traps for hours, and have to smile and look pretty as sweat and makeup dripped down my face. Emma: “But if you get your makeup done professionally you won’t sweat it off.” Correction, Emma, professionals use makeup that stays on, the practically paint you, but it doesn’t breathe, so my pores are screaming out in pain and heat and confusion and finally overflow with streams of sweat anyway. Cute beads, fixable with a dab here and there? NOPE! Full on emergency situation, time to rehydrate, stand in front of the AC vent, drink ice ice ice cold water, and wait for the attack to pass. And then if you don’t look too much a mess or smell too bad, you can return to the party…. 

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The cut…

Trying to both contain the “ladies” and also hide as much of the pudge as possible. Many of these dresses are made to be super tight at the top so they don’t go anywhere when you’re dancing. They insist that if it’s tailored properly you will not need undergarments for support. For those of you who know me…. I am skeptical. By the time that dress would be tight enough to allow me to jump around and dance and by goofy, I will have such an overflow of back being squeezed up. Attractive, right?

Also, the “ladies” don’t like to be contained, they like to be free and try to escape of their own free will.  (Enjoy this.)

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Get a dress with straps, you say? Well, I haven’t seen many. Especially not that are cute and within my modest budget. A few have gorgeous decorative straps, but they’re not there to offer support, they’re totally just there as design.

There’s also the issue of sample size. Wedding dress boutiques tend to have one of each dress, maybe two, and the size is often a midrange, like a 10 or 12, so that smaller people can be clipped into it, and larger people can put it on but not do up the back.   However, there was still one that I couldn’t get over my hips. Put it over your head, you say? We tried, we couldn’t get it over the ladies. It was NOT happening. So, we ended up just holding the dress in front of me and imaging what it will look like on, how it will hug. 

Then there are the women there helping you. There was a lot of nekkid happening. And sweat. And they just keep bring dresses and helping you into them and tying / buttoning / zipping you into them. Quite an intimate job.

By the end of the day, I am pretty sure my mom and Emma and I were all going blind from all the bright white. They all started to look the same. And my hydration level had reached a scary low. It was time to go home and detox from the day. 

This weekend: Round 2.  



For your entertainment: 

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