As you all know, Lauren has asked me to be in her wedding. I cannot tell you how excited and honored I am to be a part of her special day. But, as you can imagine, my fear is brimming just below the surface. What fear, you ask? There are so many.
Most of you by now have probably been involved in someone’s wedding in one way or another. And I know the excitement of that. I also know the horror that wedding attire causes. Have huge boobs? Here – wear a strapless dress. Oh, you “think” you are a size 10-12? Nope – bridal stores fat shame you and make you order a size 24 (WTF????) and pay for “additional fabric.” Um no. Eff you.
Our dear Lauren is sympathetic to all of this. So, being that practical, sweet, understand person, has decided to let us pick out our own dresses from where ever we want as long as they stay within her color wheel. OMG YES. Finally. I kid you not, even typing this I am fist pumping. Someone get over here and give me a high 5.
Here is where my fear starts. I just turned 36. I missed the point in life where I was supposed to learn how to “dress for my body type” and “feel confident” and “know what looks good on me.” I don’t. At all. Our friend Little D is terrific at this. She can walk into a store and know which style, shape, neckline, color, etc. will look great on her. I walk into a store, have no idea, grab whatever and usually buy it in the wrong size. I hear Lauren shouting ‘That is NOT TRUE, KATIE’ from over here. Shut it. It totally is. The husband is a great dresser – even when we go to the gym or do yard work he seems put together. Most of the time I am like – does this zipper work? Does it smell? How many people will I be seeing?
I have started looking at dresses for the wedding. I sat myself down and hopped on the interwebs. OMG CHOICES. They are all so pretty. I LOVE dresses. I love wedding dresses. I love sparkles. I love frills. I LOVE IT ALL. Lauren is going to start wedding dress shopping soon and I told her I would be like rolling around on the floor of the shop amongst the bridal gowns. So fun. So exciting.
But let’s get to the real nitty gritty. I’m often inappropriate. I have self diagnosed myself with Aspergers. The Google definition is “Asperger syndrome is often considered a high functioning form of autism. It can lead to difficulty interacting socially, repeat behaviors, and clumsiness.” Please don’t mistake this as me being mean or insensitive. This is actually so real. In my advanced age, I have actually learned (sort of) to temper this behavior but as Lauren can tell you (or you may have deduced on your own by now…) but it is still so bad. I think things in my head and then I cannot stop my mouth from saying them. I like to think of it as honesty. Being real. Keeping it real. OMG I cannot believe I just typed that. I said it out loud, too. Have you ever seen the Amy Schumer stand up bit about the wedding shower she attended? That is my fear. When you see the pictures of me rocking back and forth in the corner of her showers, know it is because I’m trying to not put my foot in my mouth.
And finally….I’m horrible at taking pictures. So bad, in fact, that the only ones that ever see the light of day are censored by me. EVERY PICTURE I screw up. It’s like I could look so great but the minute that shutter snaps, I blink/sneeze/have wonk eye/look away. Something horrible. It is alarming. Not many pictures get ok’d. Let’s all hope that amongst Lauren’s other friends who are quite put together and perfect, I don’t look like this: