The Freakness of Preakness


Preakness is this weekend. And for those of you who live under a rock, that is the second of three big horse races each year. If the same horse wins all three, it’s the triple crown. Doesn’t happen much.

Concerned that it rained today and that it may affect your bets? Cosmo Kramer here to help:

Here is the thing about Preakness… I don’t care. Born and raised in Maryland, home of Pimlico and the Preakness. I have been to Pimlico exactly once and it was for an all-day music festival about 8 years ago. No, that’s not true, I have been a few times for wine festivals too.

Horse races = Nascar for rich, white people. (“What, am I wrong?”… “No, Walter, you’re not wrong, you’re just an ass hole!”)

Watching animals race in a circle does not thrill me. Giant hilarious hats, sure, but I can see pics of those online without the hassle. (I sounds like an old grumpy man, right? … “Get off my lawn!”)


And there’s the Infield Fest. Because when I hear horse race, I think, what does that need… band performances!   It is quite the shit show.   My brother and his friends went every year and made a mess of themselves. Some of my friends went a few times. Receiving texts about being sunburnt and drunk at 10am does not encourage me to attend this mass debauchery.



Don’t get me wrong, close quarters with drunk people, sweaty, muddy, long days, getting sunburnt, or oily with sunscreen, sweat, and whatever beer has been spilled on me…. It all sounds great …. Right? I think the story that really got me was that of drunk guys running along the top of the port-o-potties line, while people threw FULL beer cans at them. CONCUSSED!


The culture of horse racing is lost on me. The giant hats are funny, but are impractical and obnoxious if you are behind one, or short (which I am).  

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I also feel like horses are huge. When they fall…. TIIIIIIMMMMBBEERRRRRRR! I have heard more horror stories about horse-related injuries, whether from being thrown off, getting kicked in the head, bitten, etc.! Eeek! No thanks. I will ride a horse, but slowly. A trot is sufficient for me.

Anyway …. Have fun if you’re going. Wear sunscreen. Bring disinfectant. Hydrate. Enjoy.


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