This way or that way

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Hello there!

So, today, I am driving the struggle bus. I had insomnia again last night and that means I have had WAY too much time on my hands to drink way, way, WAY too much coffee. And then, I forgot to pack any of my 100 meals for work today so I am sitting here, distracted by shiny object syndrome, with a heartbeat that you can see and am moving very fast.

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Image result for too much coffee meme

Image result for too much coffee meme

The bad news? I AM ALL OVER THE PLACE TODAY. Very unfocused. Well, I am very focused on being unfocused. Good times. Also hungry.

 

So, honestly, this is the best you’ll be getting from me today.

Hope your day is going a little better than mine !

 

 

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Udderly Awkward Pumping at Work

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I know what you’re thinking, being a mom is super relaxing and glamorous… Yeah… everyone knows that having a baby means you have zero time for yourself, sleeping, your partner, cleaning your house, grocery shopping… showering, brushing your hair, etc. (Deodorant, yoga pants, and baby powder erryday).

One of the many fun things I do get to do several times a day is pump. Joy. Sitting there mostly naked, hooked up to an udder-milker, freezing cold (‘cause you know, nekkid / winter), lulled by the dulcet tones of the fingernails on chalkboard screech of REEEEEHrewwwwww REEEEEEHreeewwwwww…. For 20-30 minutes. Every 4-6 hours.

My son takes too long to nurse so in the middle of the night and in the morning before we rush off to work, he gets bottled of pumped milk (and milk is sent with him to daycare). Ok, great, that means you get to sleep longer, right? NO. It means that I am waking up in the middle of the night to feed my baby a bottle, get him back to sleep, and then I get to go and pump for 25 minutes or so, store the milk, and somehow fall back asleep. Lather, rinse, repeat. And then in the morning I get to wake up 30 min early to pump. Because drippage.

Who knew that washable nipple pads would be such a crucial part of the first year of my child’s life? ‘Cause what’s more awkward for strangers than seeing wet breast milk marks seeping through your clothes. Good times.

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The winner for most awkward pumping, though, by far is pumping at work. LET ME PAINT YOU A PICTURE. I work in an office of desks and cubes. Mostly men. Two or three times a day, I sequester myself in the conference room, the only separated off room in our office with walls, a door, and a lock. We put in blinds while I was pregnant and someone asked me why. I think I eloquently replied, “cuz, um, well, I’m preggers, and when I get back, I’ll need space to, you know, cuz I’ll be nursing, so I’ll need to pump.”

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So I go in there, lower the blinds, get nekkid, and pump. DUDE.  I AM TOPLESS AT WORK. On the computer, typing, super slowly and awkwardly, arms out in bicycle position to not knock it out of place, while wondering if it’s true that the government can log in to anyone’s computer camera at any time, and wondering if someone is watching me pump daily… IT COULD HAPPEN!  Then storing the pumped human juice in the communal fridge.  ‘Oh hello, no, that is just juice squeezed from a person, don’t mind that …  ‘

Ah, ladylike modesty…

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A near second place is pumping in the car. This is a time saver, especially since I live about 45 minutes from work and some days, those extra 30 min of pumping while traveling is crucial after a multiple-wake-ups night. Ok, so I wear my hands free pump bra, which looks like a bandeau top with hole for your nips to poke through, hook up the pump, and drape a scarf around my neck and front so passers by aren’t blinded…

If a cop pulls me over, I will literally cry and then be like, yeah? What?

Worth it? Definitely. Glamorous, it is not. Trying to do this ’til my son is 1 year. Five months to go. Encouragement accepted.

Big Mistake

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YOU GUYS. I REALLY MESSED UP LAST NIGHT. But first, let me fill you in. For the last, say, five years, I have had really terrible insomnia. Incredibly bad. I cannot even begin to tell you how difficult it has been to function for the last few years on the little sleep that I have gotten. It has been so bad at times that there have been days where I have slept very little. I am talking maybe an hour or two a night. It is grueling. There is no other way to describe it. To work full time, be a mom, wife, and all the other roles I have crammed in there when I feel like the best I can do is manage to put pants on each day, it is hard.

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Image result for insomnia memes

I have spent years now trying to fix this issue. I have tried acupuncture, meditation, relaxation techniques, reading, writing, OMG EVERYTHING. I don’t use medication to force myself to sleep. That is a no go.

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Image result for insomnia memes

Fast forward to the last year or so. It has been moderately better. The typical pattern is I fall asleep early but then have middle of the night insomnia where I am awake from around 12-5. And you guessed it – I usually am tired enough that I can fall asleep for about 20 minutes before my alarm goes off. UM THIS IS FRUSTRATING. It has gotten better and now, if I wake up I can usually get back to sleep in about an hour. This takes incredible practice as I have to lay very still and cannot move much or open my eyes or else I completely wake up.

Which brings me to last night. It was cold. We had to go to cub scouts and we have it outside. And I was freezing. So you know what I did? I MADE US COFFEE. At 6pm. What was I thinking? WHAT? I’ll tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking how mad at myself I was ALL NIGHT WHILE I LAY THERE STARING AT THE CEILING while the huz dozed happily next to me. Not my finest moment.

So today, the struggle ensues. I work in a very weird environment that consists of utter silence. Look, I realize right this very moment you are like, whatever, Katie. It cannot be that quiet. DUDE. I KID YE NOT. I sit in a room with, hang on. Let me count… 21 people. I sit with that many people and I can hear the person across the room typing. It is like I am sitting in a vacuum. Truly bizarre. The weird thing is that no one talks to each other. So, as an extrovert…sitting by myself all day…in silence…is very difficult. Let’s just say it stretches my rubber bands. They are quite taut at this point.

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Image result for silence meme

My office has a few, shall I say, quirks. And one of them is that in addition to the silence, there is NO TALKING. There are cliques, of course, but mostly no one interacts with each other. In fact, the training method of the job is to “go on the server” and “read the guides.” So literally no one teaches you how to do your job. You have to read about it. Oh, you need help? GO TO THE GUIDES. Oh, you don’t understand? DID YOU READ THE GUIDES? WEIRD, RIGHT? Well, there is also a rather large group of very, very mean people. Which is kind of shocking. And it still catches me off guard. Alarmingly so, each day.

EXAMPLE:

This morning I needed to ask someone a question so I walked across the hall and he shares an office with someone who is HORRIBLE and in no way am I exaggerating. Like no redeemable qualities. She is very hard to work with and everyone is like, oh she is just difficult, and I am like, wait no that is unacceptable. So he wasn’t at his desk and I never know wtf is going on with people (see above comment: NO ONE TALKS TO YOU) and I was like, “excuse me”,  and she doesn’t even turn around and is like, WHAT? I was like, oh hey good morning, do you happen to know if XXX is in today?
Internal convo:
1. you share an effing office
2. it isn’t hard to not be such a bitch

And she was like, “I don’t know. I don’t know what his schedule is. I know he starts at 8:30 but other than that….It isn’t my job to keep track of him. I was like, oh ok. In my head I was like, BITCH YOU SIT 3 FEET AWAY FROM HIM DO YOU NOT TALK? ALSO WHY ARE YOU SO AWFUL????????

I am going to date myself for a minute here, but does anyone remember The Point of No Return with Bridget Fonda? Based on Le Femme Nikita? Anyone? Well, she was a druggie who was saved by a government agency and groomed to become an assassin. There is a part in the movie where she has etiquette training and it is such a great scene with Anne Bancroft where she says to say something off hand, and it doesn’t have to fit the situation. She says to say, “I never did mind about the little things.” LITERALLY ME EVERY DAY. Please watch it and you will see what it is like for me errrrrrryday. I politely smiled, thanked her and went back to my area. But I wanted to throat punch her. I just wanted to be like you horrible, mean little person go back from whence you came and keep protecting that bridge, you troll.
Look. Life is hard enough. It isn’t difficult to be nice to someone. It takes the same amount of time. HOW DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS SURVIVE??!!!

Pray for me today. As it will  be a great challenge to persevere through this exhaustion. The struggle is real.

My Laptop is Mocking Me

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Hi, all.  Lauren here.  Yesterday I had one of those WHY WON’T YOU JUST WORK moments with my laptop.  For those of you know me, I am extremely attached to my laptop and phone.  My job requires me to sit at my laptop all day long.

I was scheduled for a meeting and call with a client and coworker at 2pm.  I noticed around 1:50pm that my computer was getting pretty slow, so I restarted it so it would be ALL SHINY AND NEW AND FAST for my meeting in a few minutes.

And do you know what I did?  It imploded.  It laughed and me and said, “Oh, you need to do something online in a few minutes? Here let me completely reboot and reinstall your operating system.  It should only take 24 minutes.” (WHICH WAS A LIE, IT TOOK 52!)

I was furious. I was embarrassed.  I was confused – why have you forsaken me?

Technology.  Awesome when it works.  Slamming productivity to a whiplash-inducing halt when it doesn’t.

I was so annoyed / irate that I was sweating and turning red (the caffeinated tea I had with lunch did not help).

I tried to take deep calming breaths and remember that I had no control over the situation and could do nothing but wait.  And Skype my coworker from my phone to help answer her questions while she met with our client on her own.

I HATE FEELING / APPEARING INCOMPETENT.  This laptop is on thin ice.  I am ready to go Office-Space on it.

Soon.

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Remember us?

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Well hello there, dear readers! It sure has been a while. There have been many, many changes in our lives and while most of you see our jaunty posts on the Facebooks, we have been slacking in the blogging department. It is our intention to bring this back and regale you with our humor. Although, Lauren thinks we think we are funnier than we actually are. I totally disagree.

Quick life updates: As you know, I moved to South Carolina where I am settling in with the family. Life is very different when it is 80 degrees in January. I do not hate driving over the bridge and seeing sailboats every morning. I do strive, however, to be one of the people floating on said sailboat during a random Wednesday, though. #goals. A few months ago, I was able to experience seeing one of my all time favorite bands again after 20 years and it was epic. Truly epic. Sometimes I get caught up in life and forget just what an impact music has had on my life. It was also pretty cool to feel 20 again. It is also interesting to note that some of my longest relationships with both friends and family members have drastically changed since I have moved away. Not meaning they weren’t strong when I lived minutes away. Just that, well actually, they have improved since I have left. It makes me sad that they weren’t like this when I lived closer, but I’ll take it. Lauren went ahead and crammed a ton of life changes into one year (and for someone who doesn’t like change AT ALL, the irony is not lost on me): getting married, getting pregnant, buying a house, moving into said house. I am sure we will see adventures from her perspective soon of these additions to her life. To be honest, the thing I miss most about the Land of Pleasant Living is being able to see her. Thank GOD for modern technology. I would be lost without her.

As most of us are still trying to recover from the event otherwise known as “THE HOLIDAYS,” and digging out from beneath the dried pine needles of the Christmas tree, life in my house has been filled with lazy days, great food and extended periods of time off (totally my fave). Most years, I don’t set a “resolution.” I usually do things like fashion goals: accessorize more. Wear more color. Utilize scarves. Well this year, I am doing a wellness resolution. Not so much the “I am going to join a gym and pay each month to not go” situation. More of a “be more focused on my actions and health.” I started this journey last year after I moved here and realized that I am, in fact, highly allergic to pretty much every tree and grass in the state. It has been a difficult year for breathing. Let’s just leave it at that. But…I have restructured the family’s diet and we have all  become way more involved in the kinds of foods we are eating as well as the making and the why of it all. It has been really fun and brought the house together. We are really following the 80/20 rule and it has worked. I am also taking part in challenge groups which encourage you to do things like, meditate, be grateful, do things for others, etc. I tend to get caught up in life and then before I know it, it has been six months. So, overall, it has helped me to slow down and focus on today. I am also trying to be a better friend. I mean, I think I do alright, but I am trying to stay more connected with the people most important to me. This includes having really lengthy group snaps that end up giving me life. I feel pretty lucky to have some cool folks to surround myself with. Y’all, I am not becoming a weird hippie. I SWEAR. I am just trying to be the best me.

Anyway, this leads me into my tale for you today. In the efforts to focus on wellness, I do a lot of meal prep. It has taken some adjustment on my end – both eating 1000 times a day as well as the planning pieces. I find this hilarious because I am not much of an eater YET my weight effs with me and is like, ‘sup, Chubster. (This is also being addressed with these changes) I bring like 500 different things to work each day to eat and I cannot wait until morning to prep it or let’s face it. It ain’t gonna happen. I tend to pretend I have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD in the morning and while I get up at 5 am every day and don’t have to be to work until 8, I am always rushing around last minute to GTFO of the house and attempt to be on time. “Attempt” is a key word here. At least I attempt. Anyhoo. This means I am usually running by the fridge and dumping my 500 meals into my Mary Poppins bag and off I go, running out of the front door trying to NOT spill my coffee. I am a bit like Dagwood Bumstead in the morning. Ok. All the time. For those of you who are too young to know who that is – Google it. Also, shush.

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Fast forward a few WEEKS and imagine me out running errands with my family. I want to remind you here that since the holidays, I have had ample time off of work…I stick my hand into my MP bag only to pull out my STICKY phone. And I think to myself, “that is weird.” Perhaps I had it set on the counter and water got on it or whatever. I got back into my purse for Round 2 to grab my wallet and NO. NO. NO. I stumble upon a juicy, sticky, leaky, BROWN banana buried beneath the receipts, the wallets, the cute bags, the inhaler, the EVERYTHING in my purse. Dudes. I totally forgot I had put that in there. Cue the horrified looks on my family’s faces when I pulled this thing out. AND we were in public. And there I am. Standing with what appears to be a large, drippy poop in my hands. It was something. Hooray for meal planning!

Well, there you go. That is how my life is right now. You guys forgot, didn’t you!? I have missed you all and look forward to all the great things 2017 will bring us.

Not to get political, as I know everyone has had lots of feelings since the elections, I wanted to share a blog post from my favorite blog It Just Gets Stranger. If you have time to binge read years of blog posts as you sit huddled in your cubicle all day, do it. You will not be disappointed and you will know why I have an incredible fake relationship with Eli. He doesn’t even know we are best friends. Although, there was one time I commented on his wall and he replied back and I spent the afternoon weeping with joy. This is great, and timely, and worth the read.

For your general amusement today:

Dads.

The best show in the world is coming back. Life will be good.

P.S. If you haven’t binge watched This Is Us yet. DO IT. It is such a great show. I have several ongoing support chats happening right now and can bring you into the fold. HURRY. THERE IS STILL TIME TO CATCH UP.

Thanksgiving Family Time – Preparation!

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So that was a long hiatus.  Sorry about that.  Katie picked up and moved to the South, and I am just plugging along.

Since we’ve been gone, some things have been happening in this crazy world.

But instead of waxing philosophic about that, how’s about some hilarity?

Thanksgiving is coming, and we all know what that means….  get out yo fat pants, time for some FEASTING!

Thanksgiving jokes? Why yes please!

Animals dressed up for the occasion?  Oh hell yes! (those feet!!)

 

Why can’t Christmas wait its turn?  Because the mall hates turkeys, that’s why.  And also, consumerism, and all that.

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Thanksgiving turns into “how many houses can we go to in 1 day, how much food can we shove into our faces, what clothes will survive this test?”

I already had two extended families who require my presence, and then I went and got married.  So now I have three Thanksgivings to figure out.  Oh, and my mom likes to do a small “just us” Thanksgiving the night before.  As a preview.  For the exact same thing.  The next day.  Turkey coma.

Standard Thanksgiving cuisine:  Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, pumpkin pie.  Anything else is just extra, filling, unnecessary. Stuffing from a box?  No.  Make that shit.  With real bread.  And some sausage and maybe oysters…

Family coming in from out of town, people being hungover from being out the night before (or in my cousins’ case, never having gone to bed and still drunk from the nigh before), filing into the too-close seats on the loooong table, casually switching name cards to sit next to the cousin you want to sit next to / avoiding that one relative that just …  you know….

Last year was my now-husband’s first Thanksgiving with my dad’s extended family and he was….  overwhelmed.  The amount of yelling, stories, drinking, hilarity, accents…  just The Davis Way, in general….  He has now recovered…  just in time!!!  Mwahahahaa!

This year, we have been lucky enough to get the family together a few extra times, between my wedding and my brother’s wedding, so I am thrilled to see everyone again in a week, but I also need to start prepping now for the hilarity and such.  We will miss my brother and sister-in-law this year, but the volume may be down a bit…  🙂

 

Undapants

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Being an adult is really weird. You know that moment when you are watching a movie or tv show and your Teen Beat crush from your youth is now playing the dad? (OMG did I just say “youth”?) I mean. WTF. Example: Marky Mark is the dad in Transformers – the dinosaur one.

Marky Mark in my head:

Marky Mark now:

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.

Which leads me to believe I’m getting older. Shhh. I know I am married and have a kid. But sometimes, I’m like  – I’m only 23. Then I stay up until 11 and am like, nope. I am not.

I digress.

I was an avid fan of TGIF when I was younger and I loved Boy Meets World. Seriously one of the best shows on television. EVER. My husband and still quote from it. If you don’t know who Feeny is…I feel sorry for you.

FEEENNYYY FEE HEE HEE HEEENAY    loved me some Boy meets world!!!!!! Tapanga's hair was ALWAYS the best!: FEEENNYYY FEE HEE HEE HEEENAY    loved me some Boy meets world!!!!!! Tapanga's hair was ALWAYS the best!

Well said | boy meets world: Well said | boy meets world

Plays with Squirrels Me Manifesto still gets me every time.

Admit you thought Eric was dumb until this happened.: Admit you thought Eric was dumb until this happened.

BMW was a great show for so many reasons. Lessons were learned. Friendships were made. Wholesome, good ol’ fashioned fun. I mean, this Topanga married her Cory.

Imagine my delight when I found out about Girl Meets World. And – this time – I would be able to share it with my kid.

We have recently started Netflixing it and watching it together. The first episode, I burst into tears. It was just so surreal to watch Cory and Topanga and their kids with my kid. Like seeing two old friends. Except now they were grown up, too.

To share something with my child that means so much to me is so powerful. Trying new foods. Watching him learn a new skill. Seeing a smile on his face. Singing songs and dancing around the kitchen. For the past few weeks, we have had time to connect on a new level. He is very close with his father. He was mine and mine alone for the nine months I carried him and when I finally had to share him, he bonded so tightly with his dad. Which, tbh, makes me so proud. I’m glad I have a partner that is such a wonderful parent. I couldn’t ask for anything more. I love it. But, for the past few weeks, he has been all mine again I get all the snuggles. I get the laughs. I get the fighting.

It has been super special for me to share life with him. I know he loves me. But It has been even better having him get to know me.

Boy Meets World: Boy Meets World

It is. It really is.